There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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