Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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