i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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