They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
