I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
