Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
