When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
