So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
