By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
