So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
