Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
