Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Woke up backwards on a recliner
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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