i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
