my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
