There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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