Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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