Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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