i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
