tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize