There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
