I think my fart just growled at me.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize