is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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