somebody snuck up and got me drunk
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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