Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
