Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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