A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
