Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
