I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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