It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
