Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
is this the sara with the beer cane?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
