We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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