So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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