clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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