please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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