Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
