What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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