Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
You don't make any sense
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