Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
