so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
