Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
