So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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