you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
