puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
