I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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