I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
