I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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