also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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