while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
