umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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