im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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