ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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