um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
