you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
