I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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