I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
