im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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