I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
