last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize