I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
