Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
