I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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