Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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