Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize