Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
