Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
