no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
