I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
