A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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