my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
