So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
