Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Can't talk, ducks in the car
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
