dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
